"You Never Say What I Expect You To Say"

The final line from Subaru to Seishiro, the love of his life, as he dies in his arms, killed as they battle against each other...

I remember Nicole telling me about that scene and that particular line and Seishiro whispering something unknown to Subaru before that line (hence prompting the line), before he dies. I remember the circumstances surrounding their story, and that Seishiro's final, whispered words, unheard by the audience, are probably something along the lines of "And I do love you."

Eric and I watched the episode of X that I remember specifically watching with Nicole years ago. And at the end, when the camera pans down on the photograph of Seishiro, Subaru and his sister Hokuto (whom Seishiro murdered) all together, younger and happy together...I remember Nicole turning to me with this really sad and pouty look on her face as if to say, "Isn't that episode so sad???"

Nicole and I were always partial to the Subaru/Seishiro backstory in X, above all the other characters. Maybe it was the homosexual thing for me, I don't know. But it was also interesting seeing two of the most powerful people in the story involved in such a horriblly painful and personal vendetta and history.

It reminds me of going to St. Louis with Nicole and Dan Riley to watch the movie version of X at that wonderful little theatre in that suburb called University City. I remember driving around University City, and there are ALL these amazing rich-looking houses crafted out of like, STONE, and shit...and Dan and Nicole and I deal with the situation by looking at all these beautiful houses and cracking jokes like, "Yeah, these are SHITTY houses...man, these are just the shittiest houses I've ever seen...talk about shit!"

The movie theatre itself was pretty cool. It was designed to look like an opera house, with false "boxes" up on either wing, fancy architecture, etc. And a very elaborate curtain that rose from the screen at showtime. Watching the movie of X (which is different than what Eric and I are seeing, we're watching the series) - I remember seeing for the first time just how artful and emotional the anime genres could be. I remember the clashing bright colors of the Dragons of Heaven in green and the Dragons of Earth in red, coming to life as beings of intense light in Princess Hinoto's visions. I remember the soundtrack and it's bizarre, intensely haunting quality, sounding like some sort of desolate landscape. I remember the battle between Subaru and Seishiro (which comes at the BEGINNING of the movie unlike the series) and how intense and cool-looking it was.

You know, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and I don't remember what I was dreaming about prior, but when I woke up I saw Eric sleeping, and I was overwhelmed by this sudden acute feeling of something like, "Please God, keep him safe." I was watching him, and just sort of put my arms around him with this pleading feeling in my heart, and I began to cry. I think it's because I'm terrified of losing him like I lost Nicole. The night terrors I have now...sometimes I catch a glimpse of a new feelings...they used to be inspired because I was frightened of death itself...but now, there's this new thing to them...I think that, rather, I'm frightened of being separated from him, even for a temporal time, however long it may be.

There was this one attack I had, where I did my usual wake up with a gasp and an almost-scream (it was like a quick "Ah!") and I remember him trying to calm me and I think I started quickly shushing him and saying something like "No...listen..." but then I began to calm and went into my disoriented thing where I become aware of where I am.

I think when I went "Shh...no...listen..." that perhaps I thought I was dying, and that I wanted to tell him I loved him before I was parted from him.