I suppose it's time to blog again.

Or something.

Having a really hard time staying positive these days.  I keep trying, and succeed for a few hours, and then something causes my mood to crash, or I dwell on certain things that still infuriate me.

What life has taught me in the past few years:

• I cannot stand most theatre people, which makes doing theatre rather difficult at times.
• Either there's something just wrong with me that puts people at a distance, or I just tend to surround myself with an abundance of assholes.  (There are a handful of exceptions.)
• The idea that love can change a person's attraction is apparently bullshit.
• I am way too trusting and nice and it has trampled me, and I never seem to learn from it.

I don't know.

Still cooking.  Which is problematic because I weigh over 300 now and need to lose it because none of my clothes fit anymore.  I hate doing costume fittings because nothing ever FITS.  There's this painful envy factor - I want so badly to be one of the actors who gets a thrill out of costumes and looking cool in these old styles, fancy clothes, etc...but I can't because I simply DREAD the without-fail event of stressing out the costume designer because they can't find anything that fits or looks right on me.

And there's this asshole.  Fuck him, and fuck her, and fuck the lot of them, that entire circle.  They're so full of WORDS.  Falseness and taking what they want from me when the mood strikes them, but making me feel like an outsider, like second-rate shit.

I want to fucking destroy something.  Like an entire kitchen full of dishes, or a huge copy machine, or a mansion made of glass.

Negative post, I don't care - I REALLY need to vent.  No one reads this anyway.

Sigh...will try to keep posting.  Maybe I just need to keep venting.

Maybe?

Up/Down

I'm seriously starting to wonder if I have bipolar disorder... I keep crashing from energetic states to total sadness and this feeling of isolation. A lot. It's pretty much happening on a daily basis now.

I feel like screaming, often. Or smashing something.

And I drink when I'm bored. And I'm bored a lot.

That feeling I used to get during my college depressive years, of feeling like I'm looking through a window, watching life and people pass by...it's hit me harder than I can ever rememeber before.

Feeling totally adrift. No idea where my compass or even my raft are, anymore.

And then, the next day I go out and party and sing karaoke and enjoy life intensely...and then I crash back to this again.

So tired of this.

Food Blog 1

Thought I'd start keeping a food/cooking blog, to see if I can keep up with it.

So far this week:

Toasted BLTs with garlic-basil mayo and fresh mozzarella
Summer garden pasta with cherry tomatoes and fresh basil
Mustard sage chicken breasts


Will post more, maybe start adding pics later on.

Storms

Everything here's flooding. Storms every other night.

Crazy weekend. Lots of going out, lots of drinks, lots of talks, lots of dancing, lots of fun, lots of everything.

There was a moment in a storm. And it was like something out of a book. It was unique, not anything but itself. Nothing more than a moment, but it was in the storm, and I'll always remember it that way. In the storm.

Opening Doors?

Well, it's well past time for another blog post. I've been working at BirdDog Solutions since Thanksgiving, after quitting Securities America last year. I like the people, I like the low stress, etc. But I'm making $10 per hour, which is like a 40% pay cut compared to what I used to make. Money has been tight.

Indpendently produced Durang's two-person comedy Laughing Wild a couple months ago, starred Denise Chevalier and myself. Really pleased with our work and the response we got from people. Feel like it may be the best comedic work I've done so far.

As for the reason I'm blogging today - just got offered a new position at BirdDog. However, it's a lateral move, so I'm having mixed feelings. I really need to make more than I'm making right now, but on the other hand this new position is more along the kind of work I like doing and there's more room for opportunity (at least according to my boss, who I get along with great). The trade off would be an earlier start (they said it's normally 6am, but they could go a little later, hopefully I could push it to 7am cuz I am NOT a morning person).

So...got some thinking to do this weekend...hope I make the right choice, here.

Making my first recipe with orzo pasta tonight, I think. I've had orzo before, just haven't cooked it myself before. I don't imagine it will be all that challenging.

Scattering, Scattering...

Wow. It's been over a year since my last post, eh? Let's see, what all has happened...

October of last year, we moved to new apartment. Near 72nd and Center. Still here. They charge too much for rent, considering the place is more or less an old hole that they've slapped a coat of paint on. Little things, constantly coming apart at the seams. "New", redesigned kitchen, but it's crammed really small and little things keep going wrong, such as the dishwasher, the outer layer of the oven door, the fridge light...

Did original musical, Brick, this summer, with SkullDuggery. A cappella Ben Folds music. Cool show, but it burned me out, in addition to increased stress from the job. Announced indefinite acting sabbatical.

Speaking of job, they fired two good people, including my direct manager, and finally the stress snapped the last morale-tether. Quit at the end of September. Been searching for new job ever since. Economy sucks, but that's not news. H & R Block seems to think I'm not qualified enough to even get an interview for one of multiple admin assist positions. Won't be bothering with their services, ever. Can't get job at TD Ameritrade doing exactly the same job I did at Securities America because of credit history from 5 years ago, regardless of the fact that I have since built nothing but good credit - which may very soon go to shit again if I can't secure a new job.

So, yeah. Life pretty much blows right now. The shit I've talked about so far is only the tip of the iceberg. I find myself spiraling more and more into this whirlpool of negativity, apathy and depression. Spend most days (during the times I'm not desperately trying to submit new applications, taking tests for staffing agencies, etc.) shut indoors, sitting around feeling like I should use the time to get shit done, but for some reason have become so indecisive about...well, EVERYTHING IN LIFE DOWN TO THE MOST MINUTE DETAILS...that I usually sit around stressed that I'm not doing anything, but pacing around wishing I didn't have to do anything...usually default to really mindless things such as watching stupid amounts of TV, eating another snack simply because I'm bored and need instant gratification, wasting hours surfing on the web not focusing in particular on much of anything...

Basically, I have all the time in the world right now to do all the shit I've always wanted to catch up on, but I'm so depressed/stressed out that I can't FOCUS or DECIDE on anything, so I do mindless shit to fill the space of minutes, until hours become days become weeks. Seriously, I feel like I've been living in a blurry netherworld for the past several weeks.

Also, weigh the most I've ever weighed. Only have about 3 outfits that actually fit me, and even those no longer feel comfortable. My pants that I considered "too baggy" maybe a year and a half ago, now are extremely tight and uncomfortable.

Have I been sticking to constant healthy diet? No, of course not. But I'm also not eating more than other times I haven't stuck to a healthy diet, per se. And yet, I'm gaining more weight. Probably the depression/stress. Right now, actually, I'm off-and-on staying healthy, and it's the one thing that's keeping me from GAINING more. Basically, my metabolism right now is set so that if I were to eat NORMALLY (not massively unhealthy, let's just say, normal, not watching my diet, but also not binging or being excessive, normal) I would probably gain about 5 pounds within a week.

So I've gotten myself onto a very unhealthy rollercoaster of binge then diet, binge then diet...I've pretty much REALLY fucked up my appetite and cravings...I did the smaller-portions snacking thing for a while, but then screwed that up and now I've gotten to a point where I want to eat a big meal, but my body still has the craving for the frequent snacking simply because it's use to it. I have completely muddied the line between what my body is telling me and what my psychology is doing - I can barely distinguish between them anymore, and it really sucks. Can't tell anymore if I'm ACTUALLY hungry or if my psyche is just making me think I'm hungry. I used to be able to tell the difference. Not any more. I eat compulsively, too, because I want a certain flavor suddenly, or because I ate THIS thing, but I still want some of THAT OTHER thing, and I want it NOW, even though I'm already getting near full. And an hour later, oh WAIT, there's THAT flavor too, I want some of that, but I just ate a couple hours ago, well so what, I need it now...

So yeah. I have an eating disorder. Hooray.


Sigh...really negative post....but I've been bottling this shit in for a long time now...

Cooking Dinner

Here's what I made for dinner. Thought I would share! It was tasty.