Chicken Soup for the ACATS

Yay for hot tea and chicken soup!

And may I say...? Yay for Olive Garden! We went there yesterday, and it was...how shall I say it...scrumtrilescent! (In the words of Fake James Lipton.)

The wine I had was pretty good, too. It was very smooth and then had a slightly sharper aftertaste. Hey, YOU! Yeah, all my friends - you all need to learn to drink wine so we can start ordering bottles when we eat at nice places like that, rather than me having to pay $6 a glass!!!

I hope Laura's doing okay. She's had a really shitty week. Everyone keep her in your thoughts.

Wow, where did January go? It's funny how crazy-quick time flies when you're rehearsing plays. I need to start getting shit done.

And speaking of the end of January...does anyone know if Lena is still moving to Chicago? I haven't heard from her in a while. I hope she doesn't. At least not yet. Not till we stage Semblable. Oh well.

Here's some more Aimee Mann:

I know life is getting shorter,
But I can't bring myself to set the scene.
Even when it's approaching torture,
I've got my routine.
And I can't confront the doubts I've had.
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad.
And so,
For the sake of momentum,
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past!

Wowwipop Galactica

So: Shit. I need to find a new time for Acrobat, and post-haste!

Rehearsals are going well. We just really, really need to pick up the pace in Act I. Come on, people, this is the opening scene, if we bore the audience, the play will be a disaster. Let's move. But Cathy did say to me, last night, "Particularly good run tonight, Manus [my character name]!" So, yay!

I always freak out when I smell that weird burnt-dust smell coming from the furnace because somehow I think that means it's leaking carbon monoxide - and yet I know that carbon monoxide has no smell. I don't know. I just freak out when I smell things coming from the furnace that I think I shouldn't be smelling, because then who knows what it could be doing.

We're well into Season Two of Battlestar Galactica. Melanie, you should watch that show. You'd like it. You would. It's definitely the most un-nerd-like sci-fi show I've ever seen, purely because it's so believable - like you can sit there and go, "My God, I could see this happening." That, and it focuses mostly on the realistic human emotions and socio-political dramas and relationships in the story, rather than about the sci-fi atmosphere itself. And may I just say...? -- Edward James Olmos! And Mary McDonnell! What's not to like?

Let's see...things I need to do...need to renew my driver's license (turning 26 next month, folks), and I need to schedule my continuing education thing to keep my Series 7 license. That'll be fun. Nothing says "party" like sitting in a silent room at Sylvan Learning Center reading about investments on a computer screen for 3 hours.

"I wanna wowwipop." Hey Mel, remember that?

I was thinking for a while yesterday about Nicole again. I recalled a conversation she and Dan (Riley) and I had in a restaurant one day, about the afterlife. I remember her saying that she hoped the afterlife was exactly like this one because she "likes it here". And I recall at that time, thinking (I was going through a lot of weird depression at the time) that I hoped the afterlife was nothing like the physical world because I felt so trapped and confined here. I just thinking how strange it is, then...that she would do that. She used to be much more full of life and pure enjoyment of living than I ever was. She didn't get depressed about the trivial things, like I always did. What happened? And when? She changed, in that last year or so. It's just hard, not being able to understand it...

Okay, I need to go study my lines for the scene today...

I leave you with the simplistic truths of Aimee Mann:

You look like a perfect fit
For a girl in need of a tourniquet
But can you save me?
Come on and save me,
If you could save me
From the ranks
Of the freaks
Who suspect
They could never love anyone.

Exhaufuckingsted

Wow, it's been a long mofo bitchass bitchbastard of a week. In between crazy job, crazy snow, and nonstop rehearsals...

Why is it that during the early rehearsals of every show I do, I have this horrible period of depression and insecurity where I feel like a complete fraud? It happens every time. I don't know...

My legs hurt. I'm contemplating making a mimosa. I've got the OJ and the champagne. I don't give a flying fuck if it's breakfast or not.

Well, I got all my laundry done tonight, at least. I still need to balance my checkbook, but I don't feel like doing anything else tonight. Doing things sucks. Nah...I just wish I could justify coming home in between work and rehearsals to get shit done, but...NO. I work right the fuck across the street, so NO. It just...I would feel like it was such a waste of gas...So I use that time to work on my lines and stuff.

I never feel like there's enough time to properly devote to acting. There are a lot of people who don't seem to get that it takes a ton of work OUTSIDE of rehearsal time. It's an actor's responsibility to work on the lines and the character on their own time, so that rehearsals are spent shaping the play and finding the connections with other characters.

Little Children was good. Albeit disturbing. But it stars Patrick Wilson's ass!

There's never enough money. Good God, I've got this great new job, and I still don't feel like there's enough money. It's cuz of all my damn debt. I feel like I have to save all this money in order to meet paying that debt, and I do.

Anyway, I'm tired. That's all, folks.

Quote (yay U2)

I'm at work, so this is short. I just wanted to post a great quote in one of their songs, "Like a Song (I Have to Sing)". It's one of those simple truths that has a depth to it that passes over most people's heads as cliche, even though there's more there:

Angry words won't stop the fight
Two wrongs won't make it right
A new heart is what I need
O God, make it bleed!

Have Fun Being Creeped Out By This

Okay...

I know (Melanie) I haven't posted in a while, and this will be a really weird post to come back with (and disturbing), but I have to journal this and get this out before I forget about it.

Last night, two strange things happened:

I almost had one of my usual night terrors, but stopped it before it became full-fledged screaming. Eric came into the room, and according to him, this is what I did:

I opened my eyes, saw him, and took one of the stuffed animals and put it in front of my face as if protecting myself. Then, he said something like "What's wrong?" and I removed the thing from in front of my face, stared at him for half a moment and then almost started to scream...

Here's what's weird:

I remember everything after the removing of the stuffed animal. I don't remember looking at him and putting it in front of my face. But he said I did, and even opened my eyes first.

Here's the second thing that happened, which is even creepier:

I had a nightmare. Not a night "terror" (those are different), but an actual nightmare with a story...but it was the ended that was disturbing...

I can't remember the details, but it seemed like a rather mundane situation, and it ended with me taking a shower, for some reason...but while I was in the shower...

There was a shadow (a particularly unnaturally black shadow, like it went from bright to incredibly dark) that suddenly filled the bathroom, and so I looked around the shower curtain:

There was someone standing outside, and because of the mixture of light and sudden darkness, they were blurred to me, but...they looked like a blurred, dark shape, staring at me, as if they wanted something horrible from me...and for some reason, I thought they looked like two different people...I know this sounds really, really weird, but somehow, inside that blur and darkness I saw two people: my mom, and my uncle Kirk (my mom's brother). I saw features of both of them inside that dark blur, but I knew, somehow, that it was neither of them.

And then when I realized it was neither of them, but I didn't know who or what it was, and I just stared at that dark blur (it was like a human shape but it was like I just couldn't make out the features, it's hard to describe...) and saw it slowly (very slowly, almost slow-motion) coming towards me, reaching for me...

in the dream, I started to scream. Like I do when I have one of my night terrors. I could hear it inside my head.

But when I woke up, I wasn't screaming. I just heard myself scream inside the dream. I know I wasn't screaming because I hadn't woken up Eric (thank goodness).

But I sat there for a moment, and I had this odd feeling...like someone was trying to show me something.

That person (being?) or whatever was behind the blur...I think that's somehow connected to my night terrors where I scream (to explain - I never remember my night terrors, there's no story to remember, it's just a sudden panic with no explanation and no dream - but I always remember that I had SOME thought or another, and I can't remember what it was).

I wasn't frightened when I woke up, really...but I felt this great need to make note of that dream, and that dark blurred person, because I felt like it was important, somehow.

I'm worried about my mom and uncle now, of course, too. It's difficult to explain, the way their problems with alcohol are similar...but I'll get into that another time. I'm at work now.