Poor Madame Mammaries...

Madame Mammaries
Walks the halls, her eyes
In silent dreams.

Madame Mammaries
Wanders lost and sighs
And grins and gleams.

There is something in her smile
And countenance
Betraying the secret.

Madame Mammaries is
Lost within the lies
Of love, it seems.

Poor Madame Mammaries!
Poor Madame Mammaries!

I still think I should change the character's name to that. It would give the whole musical the kind of tongue-in-cheek comic relief that apparently is required.

Jeremy, will you play Madame Mammaries in my musical?

Work sucks. Being out of shape sucks. Messy rooms suck. Not having enough time in the day sucks. My current emotional state sucks.

I hate my debts. This is the fourth time I've paid off a debt and CONFIRMED it was fully paid only to have a new collection agency try and tell me I still owe money almost a year later. Thank God I save everything, including my phone calls and who I spoke to.

I'm so fucking depressed.

Seriously, I haven't been this unmotivated and listless in years. I haven't felt so insecure and unconfident in myself...everything feels kind of uprooted.

Argh.

Madame Mammaries
Watched her servant walk away...
There was something in her voice
That bothered her--
And her husband never called so early...
And she worried:
Could he be suspicious?

My Subconscious, Paradise to Some, Hell to Others

I had one of those really long run-on dreams this morning, and it was crazy as fuck...

I remember driving around in some downtown somewhere that I think for some reason was supposed to be (in my mind) some zany combination of Chicago, Lincoln and San Francisco, but located in stormy Kansas. And then later, me and Eric and some random girl (but we knew her) were hanging out on some structure in a park that was covered in some cushy layer on top. And we looked over at some crazy building about half a mile away that was designed to look like some completely unsafe version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, except only after a certain floor did it start to get crooked, and by the time you were at the top, it looked like "Well fuck, THAT ain't good".

So apparently this tower was apartments. Crazy, leaning apartments.

And I looked at one of the windows towards the top that would have been on the side that is angled DOWN, rendering the window completely unsafe to be near. And some idiot sticks his head out and waves to people...and of course leans too far and goes falling out the window.

But he has wings.

Not real wings, just some crazy wings he made and strapped to his body for just such an accident. And his fall slows, so that just before hitting the ground, he swoops upwards and climbs into the sky above us.....

...impossibly fucking high. In fact, after he reaches a certain point, his velocity INCREASES as he makes his way to the Moon.

Ten seconds later, he comes plummeting from the atmosphere and lands right by us, but he's safe because of the cushioning we're on. I don't know why his wings stopped working.

Then, somehow, I end up in some cabin near a lake on the outskirts of this crazy town, with not only all the Lord of the Rings characters, but also all these people who are supposed to be from other TIMES and other WORLDS, that have somehow become connected to Lord of the Rings. And Michael Clarke Duncan is there, too. God knows why.

We're having some party to defy all these fucking tornadoes that are everywhere, especially on the lake. BIG fucking twisters. And I go into a room, and Sir Ian McKellan is there, but not in his Gandalf outfit - it's like he's one of the people from a different time/world but is connected to the Gandalf-Ian outside. But apparently, I have some nickname for him, like "Old Codger" or something dumb like that.

So I go outside and people are gloriously celebrating their defiance of these huge fucking tornadoes just outside. And little tornadoes (like five-foot things) are somehow sneaking into the house and causing messes. But this whole defiance party apparently has something to do with God and his promise to these people, it's like we're seriously celebrating Exodus or something.

Anyway, that's my dream. Yup.

Let's Try and Be Productive Instead

Trying to calm my mood from that last blog entry. Week's off to an OK start. Problem is I'm distracted at work. I've got all these projects I should be working on in my down time, but instead I'm too into writing another draft of Semblable. "Shannon Smith of Better Samaritan!"

This quasi-absurdist pseudo-tragi-comedy is getting out of control. This will be the 6th version of the script, yes it will. And I'm going further with the theme about The Writer's revisions causing a glitch in the Plot-Character Continuum, and whatnot.

Tonight we had spaghetti, but it was Eric's family's spaghetti, which means it was pretty boring. Basically just a jar of Ragu on plain spaghetti noodles. Eh... I make kickass spaghetti, damn it.

I'm kind of excited to try Jeremy's miracle berries. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm speaking of, I think it'll be more fun to leave you in the dark to wonder, rather than explaining it.

What else? I'm getting sleepy. I really should get more sleep. I think I get an average of 5 hours a night during the work week. I don't know how I could ever do the 8-9 hours thing. Who has that kind of TIME? Argh.

I should try looking into what it would take to be a working writer or something, of any kind. Just something I'd enjoy more. Fuck, though, it's hard getting non-clerical-peion work when you don't have a degree in anything...

I'm starting to get to the point in my life where I really don't ever foresee myself finishing college. I just don't have any desire to get myself back into debt again. I don't know. Where do I go from here, you know? It's become a successful playwright, I guess...

Becoming Death, Destroyer of Worlds

I just can't sleep, and I need to vent for a moment.

I hate my mood lately. The past couple weeks, I have this constant urge to just fucking destroy something. I have so much pent up rage about so many different things right now. It's like this flood of fucking negativity has come loose, this really dark, black negativity...

And I just want to fucking destroy something. I want to tear apart small animals. I want to find a random stranger and bash their head in with a baseball bat. I want to take a sledgehammer to an entire house, or throw a TV through a window, I want to scream until I lose my voice, or set fire to a tank of gas......

This mood really fucking sucks. I'm fucking going CRAZY. I haven't had this much fucked up emotion for years.